<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>The Take Us For A Ride Affair by SashaTheGypsy</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27664001">The Take Us For A Ride Affair</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/SashaTheGypsy/pseuds/SashaTheGypsy'>SashaTheGypsy</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Man From U.N.C.L.E. (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 22:34:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>892</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27664001</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/SashaTheGypsy/pseuds/SashaTheGypsy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Hello. I am Sasha the Gypsy. Childhood friend and distant cousin of the famous U.N.C.L.E. agent Illya Nikolaevich Kuryakin. Cousin Illya is a humble and private man, but has graciously allowed me to chronicle some of his adventures with his partner and best friend, Mr. Napoleon Solo. Consider me the Watson to his Sherlock. </p><p>Today’s story is an amusing little tale about the team’s encounter with a Hollywood producer and their experience as reality TV stars. </p><p>Which should explain a lot about why Cousin Illya detests the media.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Take Us For A Ride Affair</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Act I: Reality Bites</p><p>”What, exactly,” asked Illya Kuryakin, left eyebrow arched, “is a ‘reality’ show?”</p><p>Alexander Waverly raised his eyes from his desk, rubbed the bowl of his unlit pipe, and thought carefully.</p><p>“As I understand it, Mr. Kuryakin, a reality television show tries to show real life. Unlike a fictional story, the people who make reality programs seek out opportunities to show viewers what happens in the real world around them.”</p><p>“Like Cop &amp; Robbers, Illya,” said Napoleon. The reference drew a blank stare from his partner.</p><p>“Cops &amp; Robbers,” Napoleon pressed. “It's a new TV show where a film crew hangs out with police officers as they work a shift. I think it’s called a ‘ride along’ or something like that.”</p><p>“Precisely, Mr. Solo. The crew shoots film and then edits it into a television program showing what the officers encountered during their shift. Then it is broadcast,” Waverly explained.</p><p>“Fascinating,” said Illya dourly. “But what's that got to do with us?”</p><p>“That’s why I summoned you here,” said the chief. “It seems, gentlemen, that U.N.C.L.E. has a PR problem."</p><p>“PR?” whispered Illya to his partner. “Public relations,” Napoleon shot back.</p><p>“But we are a secret organization. We don't have ‘public relations’, Illya said matter-of-factly.</p><p>“I'm afraid we do, Mr. Kuryakin. Whether we like it or not. In the course of our duties some of our activities are inadvertently conducted in the public eye. That, as both you gentlemen are aware, not only attracts attention, but can result in significant damage to private and public property. Not to mention the occasional civilian.</p><p>“I know we all do try to keep these incidents to a minimum, but from time to time our activities capture the attention of the public and the press. I'm afraid that this has increased significantly in recent months.”</p><p>“What do you mean, sir?” asked Napoleon.</p><p>“You have no doubt heard, Mr. Solo, of the popular Tattler chain of international tabloid newspapers?”</p><p>“Those rags? The ones with all the stories about politicians’ sex lives, aliens from outer space, gory crime, celebrities and photos of half-naked women?</p><p>“The very ones, Mr. Solo.”</p><p>“Never read them,” said Napoleon. Illya shot him a sceptical look.</p><p>“Well, ok. I've looked at the New York edition a few times. But only at photos of wholesome young ladies.”</p><p>Ignoring the disapproving glare from his boss, Napoleon continued: “They give them out free on the subway, sir.”</p><p>“You never ride the subway,” Illya retorted.</p><p>Dismissing the cross-talk with a wave of his pipe, Waverley got straight to the point.</p><p>“Some of our recent activities have come to the attention of the Tattler’s publisher, one Mr. Emmett Rufus Crown. This has resulted in Mr. Crown and his newspaper chain launching a sort of international crusade against U.N.C.L.E.”</p><p>“How so, sir?” asked Napoleon.</p><p>Mr. Waverly slid a file folder of news clippings across the table. Opening it, Napoleon pulled out a few and began reading aloud.</p><p>PANDEMONIUM IN PICADILLY: WILD CAR CHASE BY UNCLE DOES THOUSANDS IN DAMAGES!!!</p><p>MYSTERY INTERNATIONAL ORGANIZATION BELIEVED TO BE BEHIND EXPLOSION IN PRAGUE!!!</p><p>U.N.C.L.E. — DO-GOODERS, OR INTERNATIONAL TERRORIST CONSPIRACY?</p><p>“Gee, I must’ve missed those,” Solo quipped.</p><p>“Those stories were probably deeper inside the newspaper, “ Illya said to him. “The racy pictures are always on page two.”</p><p>Startled, Napoleon gave his partner an inquiring glance.</p><p>Waverly continues: “The first article refers to Mr. Slate and Miss Dancer in London last year. Apparently, two Tattler vehicles were wrecked in the chase. The second is about Agents Chang and Hovath accidentally setting afire that Thrush munitions storage warehouse in Prague this spring.</p><p>“The third headline is from a recent Tattler editorial. I believe that was right after you and Mr. Kuryakin blew up a Thrush substation in Queen’s.</p><p>“But this one, from last Christmas, was the one that upset my peers the most,” said Waverly.</p><p>MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM YOUR UNCLE AS IT DECKS THE LOUVRE HALLS WITH THE BALLS OF FOLLY!!!</p><p>Paris— A modern Grecian statute — dubbed Sculpter’s Folly — had its genitals blow off during an altercation in the Louvre Museum between unknown intruders and a gunman alleged to be associated with an international group known as the UNCLE.</p><p>Waverly scowled. “It cost our Paris office almost one-quarter of its annual operating budget to pay for the art restoration expert for that one.</p><p>“But nobody reads those things, surely, sir,” Illya protested.</p><p>“On the contrary, Mr. Kuryakin. The New York Tattler alone has four million readers each day, I’m told.</p><p>“At any rate, my colleagues had a conference call on the subject and have collectively decided some action to improve our public image is warranted.</p><p>“Consequently, we accepted a request from Cops &amp; Robbers producer, Mr. Burton Ascot, to allow him to film an episode about U.N.C.L.E. It will focus on a team of agents on a relatively routine mission. Nothing especially dangerous or classified.”</p><p>Napoleon frowned. Illya sat still, expressionless. They exchanged a we-don’t-like-where-this-is-going glance.</p><p>“And who are the poor suck... I mean, the agents who’ll be assigned to this project, sir?</p><p>Waverly hesitated and took a moment to pack more tobacco into his pipe.</p><p>Reaching for a match, the chief replied: “Well, we DID want to showcase our best.”</p><p>The agents sighed.</p><p>“Miss Rogers, please show in Mr. Ascot.”</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>